I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
