JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am spending my child support on dildos
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
