yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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