Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
