Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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