Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
