my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
