Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
