Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
sex in a hospital.. check
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
