he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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