Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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