Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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