3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
