Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
