I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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