I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
