I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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