I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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