Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
