possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
