i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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