Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
