I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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