apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
