I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
