my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
