Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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