drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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