There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
only you would photoshop your dick
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
