she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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