Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
