not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
