I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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