I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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