There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
