All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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