i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
