cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
