Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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