I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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