my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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