Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm just crazy horny about you
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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