come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
