Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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