I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
