i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
