sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Will you blow on my dice?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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