Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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