Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am available for nakedness
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
