You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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